How avoidance, overcontrol, and the inner critic keep social anxiety alive.
Social anxiety is rarely maintained by fear of judgment alone
Often, a person has already learned to do everything possible to avoid facing that judgment
Not making eye contact
Not speaking first
Not asking questions
Not meeting new people
Not making phone calls
Not disagreeing
Not showing uncertainty
Not going to places where there are many unfamiliar people
At first glance, this seems to help. If you avoid what you are afraid of, you feel calmer
But this is where one of the main traps of anxiety appears
Avoidance really does reduce anxiety — but only for a short time
The brain receives a very simple message: it was good that we did not go there. It really was dangerous
And the next time, the fear becomes even stronger
When working with social anxiety, it can be useful to think in terms of different modes — states we may shift into depending on the situation
One of these can be called the avoidant mode
In this mode, the main goal is to avoid possible shame, rejection, or criticism
A person may invent reasons not to attend a meeting, postpone a phone call, remain silent in a group, or reject opportunities in advance because they would require them to show themselves
Sometimes avoidance is less obvious
A person goes to an event but hardly speaks to anyone
They express an opinion only when they are certain it is correct
They speak very quietly
They try not to attract attention
They constantly monitor the other person’s reaction
Formally, they are not avoiding the situation, but psychologically they are trying not to be fully present in it
There is another way of coping with fear — the overcontrol mode
In this mode, a person tries to become so correct, intelligent, interesting, and confident that others will have no reason to criticize them
They rehearse what they are going to say in advance
They reread messages many times
After a conversation, they analyze every phrase
They try to control their facial expression, voice, and movements
But behind this striving for perfection is often the same fear: if I show who I really am, I will be judged and rejected
And this creates a paradox
A person wants to feel free around others, but constantly controls themselves
They want closeness, but are afraid to show themselves
They want to be accepted, but first try to become someone who cannot be criticized
Another important mode is the inner critic
It may appear after almost any social interaction and insist that everything went wrong
Why did you say that?
You looked stupid
You should have answered differently
They probably thought you were strange
In this way, a person experiences judgment even when no one is actually judging them
And gradually it becomes clear why social anxiety can persist for years
On the outside, the person avoids judgment
On the inside, they continue judging themselves
This creates a vicious cycle
The more a person avoids, the fewer experiences they have that could show them that most situations are safe
The more they try to control themselves, the more tension they feel
The more they criticize themselves, the more they fear the next interaction
That is why working with social anxiety is not simply about forcing yourself to be braver
It is important to gradually understand what is happening inside
Which part of you is afraid right now?
Which part is trying to hide?
Which part demands that you be perfect?
Which part expects criticism before it even happens?
Behind all these states there is often a very vulnerable part of the person that once learned: in order not to be rejected, I have to be careful
It does not need more criticism
It needs a new experience
The experience of making a mistake and still being accepted
Of saying something awkward without destroying a relationship
Of not being liked by someone without losing yourself
Of being imperfect and still having the right to take up space among other people
Gradually, through these new experiences, these modes begin to change
Avoidance becomes less necessary
Control weakens
The inner critic becomes quieter
And instead of constantly protecting yourself, it becomes possible simply to be yourself
Social anxiety does not always mean that a person is afraid of people
Sometimes a person is afraid of what will happen inside them if other people truly see them
And the path toward freedom does not begin with forcing yourself to stop being afraid
It begins with gradually discovering that even if others see the real you, you can still be okay.
About the author
Stanislav Sukhorukov is a psychologist who works with psychological trauma, anxiety, fear of judgment, low self-esteem, and the effects of traumatic experiences. He uses EMDR and other contemporary psychotherapy approaches in his practice.
