Why loved ones of people with addictions try to control everything, how this reinforces codependency, and what helps shift the focus back to yourself.
Introduction
A woman comes in for a consultation. Her husband drinks. She tells me how she checks his phone, counts the bottles in the bar, and calls him ten times a day. She controls the money, his time, his routes. She knows where he is, who he is with, and what time he will come home. And at the same time she says, “I’m exhausted. I can’t do this anymore. But if I stop, everything will fall apart.”
Wives, mothers, and adult children of people with addictions often seem to hold an invisible remote control in their hands. They feel that if they loosen their grip, a catastrophe will happen. That without their control, their loved one will disappear, drink himself into ruin, or die.
But this is what I see in my practice: the stronger the control, the more firmly the illness can take hold. And the deeper the codependency becomes.
Why does this happen? Let’s look at it more closely.
What Is Control in Codependency?
Control is one of the markers of codependency. It is an attempt to manage another person through helplessness, guilt, arguments, threats, advice, or manipulation. In the end, codependent people either fail in their attempts or provoke anger — and gradually begin to feel that they themselves are now being controlled by what is happening.
It is important to understand that control is not about strength. It is about fear.
It is an attempt to hold on to something that cannot truly be held. An illusion that provides a temporary sense of safety — while gradually taking over your life.
What It Looks Like in Real Life: Examples
Example 1. The Wife
Her husband drinks from time to time. His wife controls everything: she hides money so he cannot buy alcohol, calls him at work, checks whether she can smell alcohol on him, starts arguments when he is late, begs, threatens, and gives ultimatums.
She does not sleep at night. She has forgotten the last time she did something for herself. She is living his life.
What happens?
The husband does not fully face the consequences of his drinking. His wife pays off debts, lies to his employer, and cleans up the evidence. The illness continues.
Meanwhile, she becomes exhausted. She is angry with him — and with herself. Then she feels guilty for being angry.
The circle closes.
Example 2. The Mother
Her son uses drugs. His mother controls his social circle, his finances, and his time. She tracks his location. She calls his friends. She searches his room.
She gives him money because she is afraid that if she does not, he will “turn to crime.” She begs him to enter rehabilitation. He agrees, then leaves. She starts begging again.
What happens?
The son knows that whatever he does, his mother will try to solve the problem. He does not fully take responsibility for the consequences of his actions. He does not encounter his own bottom.
The mother, meanwhile, lives in constant anxiety. She has high blood pressure, insomnia, and depression. She has almost forgotten that she has another daughter, who grew up with the feeling: “I don’t matter.”
Example 3. The Adult Daughter
Her father has been drinking for many years. His daughter controls his health: she makes medical appointments, buys medication, and monitors what he eats.
She controls his social life: she tries to stop him from seeing his “bad friends.”
She even controls his emotions: she tries not to upset him and avoids talking about problems because she is afraid he might start drinking.
What happens?
The father remains in the position of a child. The daughter becomes his mother.
She is not living her own life. She does not build relationships. She cannot leave.
She is trapped.
Why Do We Want to Control?
Control is not a whim. It is a defense mechanism. Behind it is fear.
Fear of catastrophe. If I do not control everything, something terrible will happen. He will get drunk. He will lose his job. He will die. I will not be able to survive it.
Fear of helplessness. Admitting that there is nothing I can do can feel unbearable. Control creates the illusion that at least I can do something.
Fear of guilt. If I stop controlling, it will be my fault. I will be a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad daughter. I have no right to abandon him.
Fear of emptiness. If I am not controlling him, what am I supposed to do? Who am I without this role? What will fill my life? Sometimes control becomes a way of avoiding yourself.
What Control Does to You
Control destroys you. Slowly, but steadily.
You lose yourself. Your desires, plans, and feelings move into the background. You no longer know what you want. You cannot remember the last time you felt joy.
You become exhausted. Anxiety, insomnia, headaches, blood pressure problems, depression. The body cannot tolerate constant tension forever.
You lose relationships. Relationships with friends, other family members, and children begin to suffer. All your attention is focused on the person with the addiction. Everyone else remains in the shadows.
You lose yourself in the eyes of others. People begin to see you as “the alcoholic’s wife” or “the drug addict’s mother.” Gradually, you stop experiencing yourself as a separate person.
You are not living. You are surviving. Day after day. Year after year.
What Control Does to the Person with the Addiction
Control does not help. It gets in the way.
The person with the addiction does not fully face the consequences. You pay off debts, lie for them, and clean up the evidence. They do not fully experience how destructive their behavior has become. They do not see their own bottom.
The person with the addiction remains in the role of a child. You make decisions for them. You take responsibility. They do not learn to take responsibility for their own choices.
The person with the addiction loses respect. Both for you and for themselves. They know that you will try to solve the problem anyway. They know that they do not have to take full responsibility.
The person with the addiction continues using. Because many of the consequences are softened. Everything appears to be under control. Everything still seems “normal.”
What You Can Try Today
1. Notice where you are controlling. Right now, honestly. Where are you checking, monitoring, persuading, rescuing? Write it down. This is the first step.
2. Ask yourself: “What do I feel when I control?” Fear? Anxiety? Guilt? Anger? There is almost always a feeling behind control. Try to notice it.
3. Start small. Do not try to let go of everything at once. That is almost impossible. Start with one small step. For example, do not check the phone today. Or do not call ten times. Try to tolerate five minutes without control.
4. Ask yourself: “What do I want?” Not him. You. What do you want to eat? Where do you want to go? What do you want to talk about? Begin gradually returning to yourself.
5. Find support. A support group for codependency, a psychologist, a friend who will not judge you. Changing these patterns alone can be extremely difficult. Control can become such a habitual way of coping with anxiety that giving it up without support may be very hard.
When Is It Worth Seeing a Psychologist?
It may be worth seeking help if you feel that your entire life is determined by the condition of another person; you cannot stop trying to control them even though you understand that it does not work; you constantly feel anxious, guilty, or angry; you have lost touch with yourself and no longer know what you want, what you feel, or who you are; or you are simply exhausted — exhausted by the constant tension, struggle, and effort to hold everything together.
What Work with a Psychologist Can Look Like
In therapy, you will not learn how to “control correctly.” We will explore why you need control in the first place. What you are trying to protect through it. What feeling you are trying to escape.
Together, We Will:
Look at how control is connected with your childhood, your fears, and your personal history; learn to tolerate helplessness — the very feeling you are trying to escape through control; gradually restore your right to your own life, your desires, and your boundaries; find ways to support a loved one without constant control — while respecting their responsibility and your separateness.
Conclusion
Control is an illusion.
You cannot fully control another person. You cannot force them not to drink, not to use drugs, or not to gamble. You can only take responsibility for your own decisions and actions — and even that is not always easy.
But this is not bad news.
It is liberation.
Because while you are trying to control them, you gradually stop living your own life. And when you begin to let go of control, you gain the possibility of returning to yourself.
You do not have to save everyone.
You do not have to keep everything in your hands.
You have the right to your own life, your own feelings, and your own desires.
Start small. With one step. With one question:
“What do I want?”
About the author
Author: Irina Valerievna Medved
Irina Valerievna Medved is a family psychologist with extensive practical experience. She works with conflicts between spouses, difficulties in parent-child relationships, family crises, and problems related to a loved one’s addiction. She helps clients not only resolve current conflicts, but also understand the underlying causes that may have maintained tension within the family for years, supporting the development of healthier and more stable relationships.
Specialist’s page: Irina Valerievna Medved
