How checking and monitoring can reduce anxiety for a short time, but gradually make uncertainty harder to tolerate.
After several lies, debts, or returns to gambling, it can be very difficult for a loved one to simply wait and trust what they are told. There is an urge to check the phone, review bank transactions, ask where the person has been, call again, or repeat a question that has seemingly already been answered.
After checking, the anxiety may really decrease. For a while.
When working with families affected by addiction, it is important to notice this exact moment. Control is maintained not only by fear of what might happen. It is also reinforced because it quickly reduces the loved one’s own anxiety.
Why Checking Brings Relief
Imagine a simple situation. A person is late and does not respond to a message. Their loved one has a thought: “What if they are gambling again?” Tension begins to rise. The longer there is no clarity, the stronger the urge to do something.
They may call several times, check financial activity, or start looking for evidence. If nothing suspicious is found, relief follows: everything seems to be fine.
And the mind remembers this sequence:
anxiety → checking → relief
The next time, the urge to check appears more quickly. Not necessarily because the danger has increased, but because there is already a familiar way to reduce an unpleasant emotional state quickly.
This creates a cycle: anxiety triggers control, control brings temporary relief, and that relief strengthens the belief, “If I don’t check, I won’t be able to calm down.”
Gradually, checking stops being only a way to obtain important information. It becomes a way of regulating one’s own anxiety.
Why Uncertainty Becomes Harder to Tolerate
After living alongside addiction, vigilance is understandable. If painful events have already happened unexpectedly, it is natural to want to detect the next risk in advance.
But the more often anxiety is relieved through checking, the less experience a person gets of remaining in uncertainty and discovering that uncertainty itself can be tolerated.
More and more questions begin to appear: Where is he now? Why is he taking so long to reply? Why did his tone change? Where did that amount of money go? Why is he behaving differently today?
The answer to one question brings relief only briefly, because the problem is no longer only the specific question. A need develops for a state of complete certainty — and complete certainty cannot be achieved.
Moreover, each new check can increase sensitivity to the next doubt. Something that previously would not have drawn attention may now be interpreted as a possible warning sign.
A paradox emerges: the person controls in order to feel less anxious, but over time the need to control makes anxiety more frequent.
Control or Necessary Protection?
This distinction is especially important when addiction has affected family finances and safety.
Not every form of checking is unnecessary control. If there are shared accounts, debts, access to family funds, or real financial risks, the family may need transparent financial rules and specific protective measures.
The key question is the function of the action.
One thing is to decide in advance who has access to shared money, establish clear financial agreements, or protect funds that cannot be put at risk.
It is another thing to open the banking app again ten minutes after the previous check simply because the anxiety has returned.
In the first case, the action is aimed at a specific risk and has a clear purpose. In the second, the main purpose is to feel calmer immediately.
A useful question is: “If I check now, will I get information that will genuinely change what I do, or do I mainly need to get rid of my anxiety for a few minutes?”
This distinction is not always easy to make, especially after a long period of mistrust. But simply beginning to notice the difference can help reveal the habitual pattern.
What You Can Start Noticing in Yourself
You do not necessarily have to forbid yourself from checking immediately. A strict prohibition may only increase tension. At first, it can be more useful to notice the sequence of your own actions.
What happened immediately before the urge to check? What thought appeared? How strong was the anxiety? What exactly did I do? How long did the relief last? How soon did the next need to make sure everything was okay appear?
You can also notice something else: what happens if you do not respond to the anxiety immediately. Does it only continue to rise, or does it begin to change on its own after some time? Is there an actual sign of danger, or is it especially difficult right now to tolerate the absence of complete certainty?
This is not about ignoring real risks or forcing yourself to trust.
After the experience of addiction, caution may be entirely justified.
The task is different: gradually separating protection of the family from actions that are mainly used to urgently calm one’s own anxiety.
When this mechanism becomes visible, a choice begins to appear. Not a choice between “control everything” and “close your eyes”, but between a necessary action and an automatic check that brings relief now while making the next moment of uncertainty even harder.
About the author
Author: Hrachya Badalyan
Hrachya Badalyan is a psychologist specializing in addictions. I work with gambling addiction, codependency, and anxiety-related conditions. I help people struggling with addiction and their loved ones build a more stable life, restore personal responsibility, and break out of familiar destructive patterns.
Specialist’s page: Hrachya Badalyan
